This is really difficult for me to put here but maybe it will help. For the last 2 1/2 weeks or so I have been depressed...not severely but I haven't been happy either. I've tried everything that normally helps when I'm just not feeling good, movies, Twilight books, Pride and Prejudice, new TV show and nothing is helping. Don't worry I'm also praying of course...well it's more like me yelling at God trying to figure out why this is happening even though I know not to ask why.
Yesterday and Friday were my worst days since finals and I couldn't stand it anymore so I talked to my mom and my best friend. She's really more like a sister; the only problem is that she had to run an errand for her mom and since she had her moms phone she had to leave it at home. But because it's Nicole she told me that she would call me back on her phone only instead of saying "Sure that's great!", which is what I was thinking I said "ok, whatever" and she didn't call back. After few minutes I called her and had to leave a voicemail apologizing for what I said thinking she would call me back but after 5 hours and no response I texted her and then called again a few hours later. I still haven't heard from her and I'm worried. Not that she is hurt but that her mom got mad and took her phone away or something. There is also a teeny-tiny section of my brain that is telling me that she is ditching me like so many of my friends have done before. I know that there is no way possible she would ever do that but that voice in my head is getting louder and louder...actually it isn't talking anymore but is screaming. It's screaming over top of everything, my music, church this morning, my parents, almost any and all rational thought in my head is having to shut up because of this one stupid irrational idea that would never happen and I HATE IT!
I wish there was a way for me to get rid of this thought but in the last 5 years I haven't been able to get rid of it since my best friends ditched me. That was a really hard year for me because it didn't happen just once but three time, three times I had friends decide that I was "too Christian" and stop calling me, stop talking to me. I never have gotten over it completely and it's hard for me to admit that I have a hard time making friends...from the outside it looks like I'm very social and make friends quickly but what people don't realize is that on the inside I'm fighting with myself. I'm trying to convince myself that I need someone and that I don't have to be afraid of them leaving me.
I know this feeling will pass but I hope it goes quickly...
No comments:
Post a Comment