No snazzy title here...

This is really difficult for me to put here but maybe it will help. For the last 2 1/2 weeks or so I have been depressed...not severely but I haven't been happy either. I've tried everything that normally helps when I'm just not feeling good, movies, Twilight books, Pride and Prejudice, new TV show and nothing is helping. Don't worry I'm also praying of course...well it's more like me yelling at God trying to figure out why this is happening even though I know not to ask why.

Yesterday and Friday were my worst days since finals and I couldn't stand it anymore so I talked to my mom and my best friend. She's really more like a sister; the only problem is that she had to run an errand for her mom and since she had her moms phone she had to leave it at home. But because it's Nicole she told me that she would call me back on her phone only instead of saying "Sure that's great!", which is what I was thinking I said "ok, whatever" and she didn't call back. After few minutes I called her and had to leave a voicemail apologizing for what I said thinking she would call me back but after 5 hours and no response I texted her and then called again a few hours later. I still haven't heard from her and I'm worried. Not that she is hurt but that her mom got mad and took her phone away or something. There is also a teeny-tiny section of my brain that is telling me that she is ditching me like so many of my friends have done before. I know that there is no way possible she would ever do that but that voice in my head is getting louder and louder...actually it isn't talking anymore but is screaming. It's screaming over top of everything, my music, church this morning, my parents, almost any and all rational thought in my head is having to shut up because of this one stupid irrational idea that would never happen and I HATE IT!

I wish there was a way for me to get rid of this thought but in the last 5 years I haven't been able to get rid of it since my best friends ditched me. That was a really hard year for me because it didn't happen just once but three time, three times I had friends decide that I was "too Christian" and stop calling me, stop talking to me. I never have gotten over it completely and it's hard for me to admit that I have a hard time making friends...from the outside it looks like I'm very social and make friends quickly but what people don't realize is that on the inside I'm fighting with myself. I'm trying to convince myself that I need someone and that I don't have to be afraid of them leaving me.

I know this feeling will pass but I hope it goes quickly...

Movie Night...

First Saturday home and it hasn't been that bad....my parents actually let me sleep in until 11:30 but I think that had more to do with the fact that my father was really sick this morning than anything else. Although to be fair I was up until like 3:30 reading Twilight so technically I only slept for 8 hours which is healthy.

I was able to talk to Nicole yesterday for like an hour while her mother was sleeping. I think that is slightly ridiculous but hey I still got to talk to her. I hope she will be able to get some time off of work around Eclipse so that I can actually kidnap her and she can get some time away from her mother. I still haven't figured out quite how I'm going to get everyone to see Eclipse together since we are literally across the state...oh well it will provide me with an excellent road trip. :D

Speaking of movies....Chelsea is over right now and we are going to watch How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days which she has never seen (shock and awe ensue)and we may also watch Tale of Despereux and anything else we can find. I can't wait until she meets Princess Sophia! ;)We'll just have to see what she thinks about Princess Sophia later. I have finally gotten most of my stuff unpacked and my room is getting more organized but I still have a long ways to go. I am not looking forward to tackling my desk and my entertainment center...they have been transformed into catch-alls while I was at school so they are piled high with crap that doesn't belong there but I need to find room for my mini fridge.

I had to hold a funeral yesterday for Goldy the fish....the poor thing has been suffering a lot lately; she just kind of lays at the bottom of the tank and only swims up to eat and then last night I saw that she wasn't gasping for breath any longer. :(

Pile of Paper to Push

WOW! Trying to fill out 16 paper applications is a lot of writing and then I have 2 to fill out online. Yesterday after working at the daycare I drove to Birch Run Mall to see if any place was hiring and holy crow were they! My 16 applications were only the part time jobs open and there were at least 10 other places that are trying to hire a manger or a key-holder. So if anyone in this area is looking for a job Birch Run is the place to go. I feel like I have accomplished nothing when it comes to cleaning out my room but the pile outside has gotten smaller and my closet it half full so I know I have done something. Our bathroom is finally finished (I think) and thankfully that means that the house will stop smelling or polyurethane and paint.

I am now addicted to Sims3. I got it for Christmas and knew that if I put it on my computer during school I would not get anything done and I was so right. I started it last night and even though I was dead tired I played it for 2 hours....and now I'm gonna play it some more before I go into work. Perhaps I will fill out an application while playing it although more than likely I won't. I sent Nicole a box of things today, some that she left here and some that I thought she would like; a couple of books and a couple of movies to watch along with a bunch of Allie's and mine love.

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So Summer Begins

This is my attempt to keep in touch with people over the Summer. I shall try and post something a few times a week because I know that daily would be tedious to write and read. The last four days have gone by fast and I am hoping that the rest of the Summer go by just as fast if only to get me back to Spring Arbor sooner.

Monday and Tuesday were filled really easily just by following what my parents have told me to do; it seems they have planned the first month or so of my break for me. I need to totally clean out my room and get rid of a bunch of stuff, thankfully they have decided to let me figure out what goes and what stays, although I'm sure there was a discussion on whether I would have that option. They also informed me that I will have any and all applications to seminaries filled out and turned in before June 1....I have done 0 and plan on sending in 1. It has been difficult getting back in the routine of letting them know my every move....they seem to be struggling to hold onto me harder than they are with my younger brother, perhaps because I am the oldest and they don't want to face the reality of me leaving.

On the brighter side of things, the god who decides which music will follow me has been playing a cruel trick on me since Sunday. When I left Nicole's house the first song that played was "My Life Would Suck Without You" and shortly after was "Sorry" which I heard again Monday in a store as well as Miley Cyrus' new song and to top it all off, my mother was singing "All by myself". This is longer than I expected it to be and because they words are slightly blurring together I'm going to quit....

until next time....

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