September Layout

 Cover page

 Health check: measurements, weight, blood pressure, yoga tracker

 Water tracker

 Sensory and anxiety tracker

 Week One

 Week Two

 Week 5

 Week Four

Week Three
And this is my entire September layout.

Its time for a change

So its been 8 years since I've even thought about this blog, 8 years of change and growth and living. I have no idea if anyone is even going to read this but I thought I'd get it out. I'm going to try and keep this updated again. Load up pictures of my bullet journal, my knitting, my painting, my sewing. Really just put my life into this and if I get views and comments then I get views and comments. I might even use this as a virtual grimoire; explore my paganism and witchcraft via this blog. I don't know what else is going to happen but that's life isn't it? 

Beliver? Agnostic?

Why is it that when a Christians are talking about agnostics the most common response is disgust? David Dark tells a story of him beginning a class with the question "What is an agnostic?" after receiving answers like "someone who doesn't want to believe" and "someone who chooses not to believe" he was finally able to get the right answer of "someone who doesn't know". From there is stats that not only is he an agnostic but so is his class and the problem is that he thinks that they think that they need to pretend to know in order not to go to hell and that this isn't the case. Why is it that as Christians we feel like we have to know everything in order to get into heaven? that by admitting that we do not understand the Trinity or the Resurrection or the act of Communion we will go to hell, is it because we were taught this or is it a problem that is located among American Christians and our extreme sense of individuality and "be the best you can be"? Before coming to Spring Arbor I was confident in my knowledge, not that I bragged and claimed to know everything but I knew what I knew and was proud of it. After one semester I realized how little I actually knew; after one class with Ken Brewer I had at least 100 new questions running around in my mind. Each question had about 5 follow-up questions and I could not answer a single one of them. After taking Greek it took me twice as long to read a passage from the Bible because I would analyze the verses and try to pick it apart and put in the correct Greek words as well as other English words that could make the meaning more succinct. At times I feel incredibly stupid for having all of these unanswered questions...but isn't that a part of wisdom? Knowing that you don't know everything and accepting that fact whilst at the same time trying to not only answer your unanswered questions but finding even more to ask?

helpful rage...

In the book Soul Survivor by Phillip Yancey, there is a story of how he found out about Robert Coles, a journalist. At the time Yancey noticed a climb in businesses that were "Christian" like journals and phone books, book stores and coffee shops but Coles was writing poignant Christian-focused articles for secular places like the New York Times and Medical Journals. Yancey was surprised by this and that kind of bothers me. It is true today though as well. I find it disconcerting when I hear the amazement that some people have for others like Robert Coles. Yes as Christians we are supposed to be set apart but does that mean that we have no connection to the secular world? NO! Christ spent everyday of His ministry with those who did not believe in Him; He walked through the cities and towns preaching and teaching knowing that some would follow and some wouldn’t. Why does it surprise us when we see an article like Coles wrote in the New York Times or see a well-known Christian actor be among his non-Christian peers? If we are not among the non-Christians everyday then how are we to witness?! Of course there is a point where we, as Christians, kind be so absorbed in the secular culture that we lose touch with our Christian brothers and sisters. Is this the reason we tend to seclude ourselves? On a totally different note but still involved with my homework, in the beginning of Chapter 3 of Prophetically (In)Correct the authors use a story of some college students discussing their motives for writing. Most of them say that Jesus motivates them but a girl named Alex says Rage. Rage at the problems with the world, hunger, war, suffering; all of this motivates her to work and gives her a muse. This gave me pause because most of the time rage is considered a negative emotion but if it is used correctly rage can be very helpful.How to work through the rage is the most difficult part, being able to take it and use it constructively instead of destructively is where Christ comes in to play. I'm still wrestling with the idea of using rage as inspiration but I think it is a better use of it than punching something.

Freely a Slave

I'm currently reading Soul Survivor by Phillip Yancey and these two quotes totally blindsided me. “Apparently it matters little to God whether we approach Him out of desperation or out of longing" This idea that God does not care why we come to Him only that we do is not one that is proclaimed very often and yet it is probably a phrase that is needed around the world. Most Christians know the story of the Prodigal Son and the lesson we most often get from it is that parents should love unconditionally and that of course applies to God as well, but the focus should also be on the fact that the reason the son decided to go home was purely selfish. It was not because he was sorry for what he did or that he missed his family, no he missed the way he lived with his family and was tired of the situation he got himself into. "…apparent freedom can actually mask deep bondage, a cry from the heart of unmet needs” What hold me captive? What is my freedom covering up? I think of the passage in 1 Corinthians 9 where Paul talks about being a slave to everyone and being held under the Law of Christ. It seems contradictory to say we are no longer slaves but free and are held under Christ but in reality it is a freely given bondage, a slavery that we go into voluntarily instead of one that is forced unto us. Yet how many of us feel we are forced to go to church? Forced to pray? Forced to read the bible? At what point do we stop “forcing” ourselves and go of our own accord? I’m not there yet, perhaps you aren’t either but we can be! Too often I see people walk down the street with a fake smile plastered on their face and when asked they will say that they are fine. How can this world be fine when we are living not according to God? This mask that we all wear because of our "apparent freedom" is not only hiding our true self from those around us but unfortunately from our own self.

Pain and Torture...self-induced

Why is it that the people we care about the most are normally the ones that hurt us the most as well? How can it be that someone you consider to be your closest friend doesn't consider you their closest, even worse they don't even try to keep your friendship? It's been so long since I have written and I have been through so much that I don't want to remember it. Suffice to say that my summer was nothing but waves of sadness and hatred pointed at one person. Then they turn around and tell me, basically, that they aren't going to try and reconcile our friendship and won't be hanging out with me because "her grades suffered so much". If her grades had truly been suffering she could have said something last semester and to put it on me hurts. My grades suffered too...in fact I'm on probation because of my grades and yet I'm not going to push away my friends and I'm not going to turn into a complete witch. Apparently all of my pain is self-induced because i expect too much and put too much pressure on this one person and they cannot support me that way; my expectations were and are pretty simple. I expect them to be themself around me and to give me some time to talk when i need to talk. I don't ask for much...and yet it seems as though they cannot give me any time to talk about the problems going on in my life because their problems are so much bigger and more important. It hurts even more because I told them everything and explained how they were hurting me and it still didn't sink in...HOW MUCH MORE DO I HAVE TO SAY?! Actually nothing...I have stopped talking to her but it is so hard because i still consider her to be my best friend, and I would like nothing better than to sit down with her. But I cannot do that because I cannot put this pain aside any longer; instead I am ignoring her until she realizes how good she had it when she was my best friend. I'm not trying to be vain and say that I'm the best but I'm probably the only person who would give her anything and everything she asked for without asking for anything but a few words in return. It is so hard not talking to my best friend...every time I see her I want to hug her and say I'm sorry but it would be a lie because I'm only sorry that once again I let someone into my life and heart that just turned around and stabbed me.

No snazzy title here...

This is really difficult for me to put here but maybe it will help. For the last 2 1/2 weeks or so I have been depressed...not severely but I haven't been happy either. I've tried everything that normally helps when I'm just not feeling good, movies, Twilight books, Pride and Prejudice, new TV show and nothing is helping. Don't worry I'm also praying of course...well it's more like me yelling at God trying to figure out why this is happening even though I know not to ask why.

Yesterday and Friday were my worst days since finals and I couldn't stand it anymore so I talked to my mom and my best friend. She's really more like a sister; the only problem is that she had to run an errand for her mom and since she had her moms phone she had to leave it at home. But because it's Nicole she told me that she would call me back on her phone only instead of saying "Sure that's great!", which is what I was thinking I said "ok, whatever" and she didn't call back. After few minutes I called her and had to leave a voicemail apologizing for what I said thinking she would call me back but after 5 hours and no response I texted her and then called again a few hours later. I still haven't heard from her and I'm worried. Not that she is hurt but that her mom got mad and took her phone away or something. There is also a teeny-tiny section of my brain that is telling me that she is ditching me like so many of my friends have done before. I know that there is no way possible she would ever do that but that voice in my head is getting louder and louder...actually it isn't talking anymore but is screaming. It's screaming over top of everything, my music, church this morning, my parents, almost any and all rational thought in my head is having to shut up because of this one stupid irrational idea that would never happen and I HATE IT!

I wish there was a way for me to get rid of this thought but in the last 5 years I haven't been able to get rid of it since my best friends ditched me. That was a really hard year for me because it didn't happen just once but three time, three times I had friends decide that I was "too Christian" and stop calling me, stop talking to me. I never have gotten over it completely and it's hard for me to admit that I have a hard time making friends...from the outside it looks like I'm very social and make friends quickly but what people don't realize is that on the inside I'm fighting with myself. I'm trying to convince myself that I need someone and that I don't have to be afraid of them leaving me.

I know this feeling will pass but I hope it goes quickly...